The Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He’s holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. “Boy, you’ll never win!”
“You’ll never win!”

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
The voice of truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they’d have had the strength to stand

But the giant’s calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. “Boy you’ll never win!”
“You’ll never win!”

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don’t seem so high
From on top of them lookin’ down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

(Song by Casting Crowns)

I sat my driver’s license last week.  And I passed.  Happy about that.  You see I have never had my full/complete driver’s license before – in any country…..

How can I be 32 years old and this be the first time I’m fully licensed?  Well quite easily if you’re as stubborn, stroppy and as independent as me!  No seriously the stubbornness probably has a lot to do with it, as well as other things…..You see in New Zealand we have a three step process to getting your ‘full license’.  You can start the process when you’re 15.  And I did, all those many years ago.  I got my learner’s permit.  Then I got busy…you know with all that high school has to offer……all those extra curricular activities as well as youth group and a couple (or three) part time jobs…..Then I went off to University and was a poor student…..My parents paid for one lot of driving lessons, I sat the next stage of the test once and I failed.  So I gave up.  Then I got busy again….still poor…got married…had my own personal chauffeur in my husband, stayed poor……Never made driving a priority.  I tried lessons with my hubby a couple of times when I was pregnant with both boys but never seriously and got too big and uncomfortable to make a good effort at it…People couldn’t believe that I could have kids and still not drive.  Well when you’ve only got one car and the prospect of driving over forty minutes in peak traffic to take your husband to work just so you can have the car for the day..and then battle traffic for even longer on the way home at the end of the day is not very appealing..it makes walking the easy option!  And thankfully we lived in a suburb that has very self-contained and I could get myself places. And I had been in a couple of bad accidents as a passenger, so just didn’t trust myself to drive others around safely.

So those were my excuses, I mean reasons!!  Then….I finally decided it was time to get myself driving and started the lessons in earnest again with the ever patient husband at my side.  I sat the practical test in NZ and failed by ONE point.  I was devastated. Yes we had a pig of a car to drive  - that even experienced drivers would stall and have problems with – but one measly point.  Ok so I couldn’t reverse very well…but ONE point????  Then the move to America became more than an application to Homeland Security and became a reality….so we chose not to spend more money on re-sitting the test again as it would have been money down the drain as it wouldn’t have been recognized in America anyway – as it still wouldn’t have been my full license I was getting.

So I came to America as a learner driver……and learnt to drive on the other side of the road!  One day last October the spunky hubby and I had a romantic date at the DMV and both sat and passed our theory tests….and that meant I could then get behind the wheel of the car and give it a go for myself.  After a few months off practicing because of my morning sickness, I then got back behind the wheel, worked on the reversing, worked on the differences with driving on the other side….and sat and passed last week.  Whew.

Why did it take me so long to build up my confidence back home before I wanted to drive?  Lots of reasons…..but I think underlying it all was the belief that after failing the first time that I couldn’t do it.  I could never be a safe driver.  I couldn’t do it.

I was listening to the wrong voices. I was listening to the voices who were telling me I would never win.  I needed to listen and believe, to the voice of truth. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

On the day of the test the waves were calling me and telling me of all the times I had tried and failed before.  I told them – Greater is He who is in me than he that is in the world..….(I also told myself that I have given birth without pain relief, a driving test that makes me feel like I am 17 again is NOTHING!!).  And I told myself of how prepared I was, how confident I was and that I am NOW a safe and capable driver.

What voices are you listening to at the moment?  What challenges are you facing where you need to CHOOSE to listen and believe to the voice of truth?  For me, driving was a giant that was standing in front of me, telling me I was going to fail.  What giants are standing in your way – spouting lies at you?

I must decrease

I have a screwed up, messed up sense of self, sense of identity.  You can blame that on my coming from New Zealand.  Have you ever heard of ‘Tall Poppy Syndrome’?  It is a term used to describe a phenomenon in which people of genuine merit are criticized or resented because of their talents and achievements.  Unfortunately Tall Poppy Syndrome is found a lot in New Zealand.  It is a nation where one does not really want to look better than others – even if it is just and well deserved…..it is probably my biggest criticism of my home nation….I wonder how it will change…..

Anyway because of growing up in an environment when one is judged for doing well, it makes one very reluctant to speak well of oneself and to ‘blow my own trumpet’.  It doesn’t come naturally to say that I’m good at this, can do this or that well and am an expert on this…..

So to go from New Zealand with its Tall Poppy Syndrome, to America – the land of the confident and the seemingly self assured…..has been interesting….

I find it strange to read in blogland of people’s achievements and to read how people can list time and time again of what they have done….sometimes without a lot of recognition to the Lord who gave them these talents…..but then again…am I just being super sensitive?  I’m not sure.  And I think my antennae will continue to go up as I read of people ‘blowing their own trumpets’ until I have this sorted out in my own mind….

But I do know this.  The internet can be used as such a powerful tool for pointing people towards Jesus.  Towards what He has done for us and is capable of doing.  I desire my facebook statuses to not always be about me and my life – but point towards HIM.  Point towards the Almighty.  Give my non-Christian friends something to think about for the day. If I twittered I would want my tweets to be about Him.  Not just about me, me, me.

I also do know this.  ’I must decrease so that He may increase’.  John 3:30.  The less of me taking up room – the more that the Holy Spirit is able to work in and through me.  The less of my wants and desires, the more I can be on the lookout for others – looking with Jesus eyes, listening with Jesus ears.

Yes we gotta get rid of Tall Poppy Syndrome in New Zealand and yes credit must be given when credit is due – to anyone…but I wish blogs and social networking sites used by Christians could just be more effective in loving people, in reaching out to people…and not focusing on me me me……

Just a bit of honesty from me today.

A house of music

If you ever called me on the phone, or skyped me on the computer, you would have to wait a minute or two for me to first lower the volume on my music before I could answer your call.  That is assuming The Hurricane was liking my music choice and had left it on for my enjoyment…he has a habit of shutting things down….

I love music.  I love hearing worship and praise.  I am determined to make my house a home where His name is lifted high, and in doing so, my soul is lifted up.  I’ve said it before on my blog….there is something about taking our focus off ourselves and putting it on Jesus – all He is and all He had done….

I’m not into denominational differences at all – I wish that all of Christ’s followers would just get along and not focus on doctrinal differences….but I do have to say I think I have the best of two worlds in my Christian background…I’m on precarious ground here I know but I have to say I am glad that I know the solid teaching and fundamentals that more traditional churches tend to focus on but I also know the freedom and presence of the Holy Spirit from more non-traditional churches.  Yes..I really mean……Pentecostal……Is that controversial enough for you?  Where is this leading? Well…at the moment I go to a more traditional church…..and yes it happens to tick all the right boxes for my children and their stage of life at the moment, but there are times when my pentecostal (that word again!!) inner self wants the music to be turned up louder, the words to be a bit bolder and yes, the drums and guitar to take over!

So what to do I to feed this pentecostal inner self?  I find ways at home to praise Him.  The internet has wonderful ways of bringing free music right to your home…..www.pandora.com is a site where you can make your own radio station mix of similar artists or similar songs…..You Tube has hundreds of Christian artists in there and my latest find is www.cbn.com/radio.  CBN radio has a selection of online radio stations….praise, gospel,kids superbook and at Christmas time there was a Christmas station.  Nice.

So next time you call me and it takes a while to get to the phone…never fear….I’m likely to be  home….just busy feeding my pentecostal inner self….

This song really speaks to me at the moment….love it….

He tangata

From my last post it would seem that I am finding life tough at the moment and that I am miserable……let me tell you though, it is not all bad.  I am not depressed, I am not a crying mess and I am not giving up.  But there are certain things that are my reality at the moment, and this blog is an excellent way of being real – with myself and with you.

So fret not.  I am made of thick and tough skin and I’ve been knocked down, but I get up again!

Happy New Year everyone!!  I hope this year has started with a real bang for you and that many blessed and exciting things are going to happen in the months to come.

As most people do at this time of the year I’ve done a little thinking about what the past year held for me – the highlights and the main events and wow!  What a ride it was.  We started the year with a  holiday in Australia for my brother’s wedding which was a really fun time for us.  Then it was home to NZ and I started homeschooling our eldest son while we waited for our visas to be approved for our move to America.   The visas came through and three weeks later we were on that plane to Oregon!  We carried on homeschooling all through that long and gloriously warm summer, then The Thinker started public school in September.  After much ’should we, should we not go for it’ we decided to ‘go for it’ and I got pregnant with our number three child.  We celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary in November.

What a year!!  I can’t help but think of a certain quote when I think about all we’ve been through and the things that really matter to me.  The indigenous people of New Zealand are the Maori people and the following quote is a famous quote belonging to them……

‘He aha te mea nui o te ao?
He tangata, he tangata, he tangata’
‘What is the most important thing in the world?
It is people, it is people , it is people.’

It is people who have made things a lot easier for me this past year.  It is people who have opened their arms and homes and hearts.  It is people that I really miss.  It is people that I long to see.  It is people who I long to touch with a little of God’s love.  It is people.

I actually think that the most important thing in the world is God, but people matter to God – hence my love for this quote!

So as this year progresses I want my focus to be on people.  Loving people.  Helping people.  Hugging people.  Opening my home to people.  Serving people.

Yes last year was tough in a few ways – but the thing that made it easier was people. Even in my loneliness I can’t forget some people.  People who welcomed us, accepted random dinner invites, thought of the essential things we would need to set ourselves up and provided them for us.  People.  Thank you to those people.  You know who you are.

‘He aha te mea nui o te ao?
He tangata, he tangata, he tangata’
‘What is the most important thing in the world?
It is people, it is people , it is people.’

Personal Conversations with a Personal God

I’m not very happy Lord.

You don’t say?

I’m really missing my friends and my family.  I cried and cried today when I read that my sister cried at Christmas time because she missed me.  My tough as nails sister who hardly ever admits any weaknesses.  She actually misses me.  And I miss her.  And my dear friends.  Friends who know me inside out.

I know.  Give it some time.  You’re making such great progress.

But it takes work and effort.

I never said it would be easy, but I did say that whoever leaves house or brothers or sisters, mother and father or wife or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel’s shall receive a hundredfold in this time.

I’m worried about the bills Lord.  Bills we have now and bills we have to come.  We’ve never been in a situation when we haven’t been able to pay our bills.  This time – we see  no earthly way.

You’re talking to the biggest ranch owner in the world Fiona.  In my timing I will make a way.

What about practical things like clothes Lord?  I need new clothes.  I’m not going to fit mine for much longer.

Have you ever gone naked?

No, but.

What happened when you left NZ?  Remember the gifts?

That’s right.  My dear friends pooled together their money and I got to go shopping for ME.  For clothes.

And?

And a gold watch.  That’s right.  Never had one before. I loved it the minute I saw it.

Remember I’m an extravagant God.  You’re definitely a gold girl by the way.  New clothes, I can take care of.

It may help if you stop playing the ‘grass is greener on the other side’ game.

I’m sorry Lord.  Its just there are some things that would be better for us, if we were home in NZ.  My son could really do with some speech language therapy and he would get that free over there.

Am I not a healer and a teacher?  Can you not trust me to give you the skills to help him, and trust me to do my part in healing him?

I really try not to worry Lord.  I really try to cast all my cares unto you Lord.

I know.  But you need to trust me more.

I know Lord.  You brought us here to a new land and you’ve looked after us wonderfully.  It is all a little scary though at the moment.  Our situation has changed.

Yes.  But I haven’t.

Trust in Me.

Trust.

Testifying

Righteousness

Under

Stressed

Times

Trust.

I’ll try harder Lord.

Everything Has Its Time

To everything there is a season

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born

A time to die;

A time to plant,

And a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill

And a time to heal;

A time to break down,

And a time to build up;

A time to weep,

And a time to laugh

A time to mourn,

And a time to dance”

-  Ecclesiastes 3 : 1 – 5

The above verses are on a poster in an examining room at my obstetrician’s practice.  What a wise man he is – women come to see him not just for pregnancy care, but also for infertility issues, and the full range of all ‘womanly issues’.  The examining room does not have any photos of cute babies and blooming belllies, and I get that.  And I appreciate that.

Not everyone is blessed with children, and not everyone has an easy time ‘getting’ their children.  I don’t claim to understand God’s method in handing out fertility ‘rights’ or ‘abilities’, but I do get what the above verses are saying, and so does my dear doc.

There is a time for everything.  Everything.  God has it all in his hands.  We want to understand it.  We want the full picture – but rarely do we get the full picture – otherwise where is the need for faith and where would we get chances to grow our faith?

At this time of year blogland is full of posts about the wonders of Christmas.  The gifts, the food, the crafts, the family activities, the decorations, the budgets.  It is all there, and for the  most part I love it and embrace it and it is a wonderful thing.

But.  But for some this time of year isn’t so wonderful.  This may well be a time for some people to mourn.  A time for breaking down.  A time for planting.  This is a hard time for so many.  Even as I write bad things are happening to families – changing their Christmasses, possibly forever.

Tomorrow I’ll be  going to the mothers’ group that I go to.  It is a wonderful group of ladies, that I’m slowly getting to know.  There is a time in the group that we announce new pregnancies.  I imagine someone will mention mine along the way……but I want to be sensitive to others in the group – there are others who may be struggling to get pregnant themselves.  I have been one of ‘those’ before.  I guess a good way around that is to not have the focus on me too much – but be interested in others just as much and even more than the questions that may be asked towards me and my pregnancy.

Sensitivity.  That’s what I need.  Perhaps that is what we all need a bit more of at the moment.  Christmas may be joyful and fun, rich in people and love, for you.  But what is it like for your neighbor?  What is it like for your reader who is struggling with depression or loss, a new diagnosis or job loss?

Yes let us remember to put Christ in Christmas, the reason for the season and let’s let nothing take that away from us.  And let us also approach things with an extra dash of sensitivity for those who are hurting.

Comfort from the Storm

Sometime in the night, last night, The Hurricane pattered into our room, declared that he had ‘had a bad dream’ and then he promptly plunked himself into our bed, nestled into me and fell fast asleep.

I snuggled closer into him and breathed his nearly four year old smells.  Fruity shampoo, washing powder on cozy pajamas and that unmistakable smell of a little bit of leakage in the undies department.

You don’t really mind the invasion of the bed, when you know you’re giving comfort and protection.  You’re chasing the badies away from the little minds.  You don’t mind being roused from a deep sleep when you know that all you ever want your child to feel is safe, secure and loved.

I treasure the snuggle moments I have with my boys as I know that all too soon they will be off on their independent ways, and a hug from Mum will be far from their minds.  I’m glad that I can, at the moment, make their world better.

Just as  The Hurricane came to see me, to put right his world, so I can go to God, when my world is out of kilter.  I know I go to God a lot faster and a lot more often when things are wrong in my life and I need to put things right.  Not all the time, but sometimes, this is the case.  But I am learning more and more that this isn’t the way it should be.  I should approach the Throne of Grace with regularity and consistency, regardless of what my circumstances are.

That’s when growth will happen and that’s where I can mature more and more in my walk.

Thank you also for all your love and congratulations and prayers for me too and my pregnancy.  every day I’m feeling stronger and spewing less!

Been a while……

My goodness it has been a while since I’ve done a blog post.  A while indeed.  I actually have an excuse though.  I think it is pretty valid.  It involves me, and my bed and my toilet being inseparable for the last couple of weeks.

Need more clues?

How about me, that good thing that happened to me about three weeks ago and the fact that my life will change drastically in mid July?

Still clueless?

OK.  I’ll stop being cryptic.  I’m pregnant!  Yes, our very much longed for third and final (might I add!) addition to the family is on its way.  We’re over the moon and very grateful to God, that this is happening.   It was something we had to lay down with the move here, and we weren’t sure if it was going to be able to happen while we’re here in America.  But it is, by golly, and even if we leave the country when our time here is up and still owe lots in medical bills – well we’ll just have to pay them from wherever in the world we are!!

But man have I been sick.  Sick sick sick.  Spew spew spew.  Loosing weight, too weak to stand in the shower, have to get my husband to comb and dry my hair sick.  I’m doing drugs now, to help with the nausea, so life is a bit more manageable.  Now to just summon up enough energy to well….to think normally, to Mother normally and to get cracking for Christmas!!

Speaking of Christmas can I just say how delightful it is to celebrate Christmas in the Northern Hemisphere!  It is wonderful to be cold and see snow and to actually be able to see the Christmas lights at nighttime – not to have to wait til 9 or ten at night to see them!  (I’m used to a summertime Christmas – being from the Southern Hemisphere).

It is snowing here in my valley this morning.  I’m grateful to be warm inside.  I’m starting some lists of things I need to do for Christmas, but you know what I don’t have the energy, nor the funds to get too carried away.  So I’m going to concentrate on the very basics.   I’m going to focus on how much I love and appreciate my family – those near and far.  I’m going to tell my friends how wonderful they are and what they mean to me, and how God shines through them.   How each and every one of them affects my life tremendously.   And I’m going to count my many blessings, name them one by one.   Spews and all.

Thoughtful Thursday

‘He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose’

- Jim Elliot

Surprise!!

Last week ended with two surprises for me.  One was great!  That was the kind of surprise that makes you jump up and down, do a happy dance that goes on forever and makes you want to call/email/facebook your friends immediately.  That surprise was a real answer to prayer and in all honesty a real miracle.

The other surprise was the kind that does not make you happy dance.  It was the kind of surprise that when it comes out of the blue, almost slaps you in the face and leaves you breathless for a while.  The kind of surprise that makes you want to curl up and cry.

The details of these surprises aren’t important – but rest assured no-one has died and no-one is about to die.  Whew.

I spent the weekend swaying from feelings of joy and wonder, to dismay and fear.  From certainty and blessed assuredness to mind numbing frustration and disappointment.

Then this morning  I was walking up my stairs for what felt like the billionth time already and it wasn’t even 9am (who needs to go to the gym when you live in a townhouse!) and this thought flashed through my mind; My surprises were not surprises to God.

My surprises are not surprises to my Lord and Saviour.

I know, that I know, that I know, that my steps are ordered by the Lord.

I know, that I know, that I know, that my family and I were led to a new ministry in America, for such a time as this and for a real purpose and every step of the way we have known that God has been leading us and providing for us.  He isn’t about to leave us now – his track record proves that.

I know, that I know, that I know, that curveballs are thrown at people all the time, and we are not immune to that.

I know, that I know, that I know that God does not call us to a place where he does not enable us.

These are the things I know.

And I know that neither the good surprise we had, nor the bad surprise we had were surprises to God.

So who am I to fret and worry, when He is already Lord of my situation?